I know exactly how you feel. Trust me, I do. I know that you feel angry and confused. I know that you feel alone and hurt. I know that you try so hard to be happy for people and deep down you wish that they would choke on a lifesaver. I know that life isn’t being fair to you. I know that deep down, you wonder what you did to make God hate you. I know you feel like this is punishment for being salty and bitter towards other people. I know you feel like maybe if you try really hard that this feeling will pass. But I also know that it won’t.
This anger and bitterness you are carrying around makes you feel like you have no control over how you feel. It creeps in and reserves a permanent room and you try so hard to get rid of it and fight it. But then you get tired and give up. You just let it take control and you walk around like a miserable person because the truth is, you feel so helpless. You can’t control how you feel. You want to be so happy for everyone else, but its so damn hard. Its hard to be happy for people who have what you want. Its hard to fight the feeling of hatred and the urge to say exactly how you feel. You bite your tongue and pray that this feeling goes away because you know that your words can hurt. Your words aren’t normal words. Your words are fueled by anger and rage and they cut deep. So in order to keep yourself composed and not be considered a psychotic raging Bi**h, you just say nothing at all.
Every announcement is another dagger to the heart. Every shower is another countdown until you can cry. Every negative test is just another crying spell and moment of anger and hatred. Every child’s party is another excuse to drink. You sit back and laugh about how you “are so happy you don’t have kids, “ but you and I both know you are lying. You will say and portray whatever you have to in order to keep your composure. everyone expects you to be happy for them and to attend every event. But you can’t. You just can’t. You don’t care that their gender reveal was so amazing. You don’t care what they got for their shower. You don’t care that their baby has his daddy’s eyes. But you are wrong. You do care, because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be so caught up on how you feel. You care because you are hurt because you cant understand why you can’t have that too.
It is ok for you to feel the way you do. It is ok for you to be hurt, angry, sad, pissed off, and crazy. Because I know you feel like you are this mad crazy person because you entire existence revolves around this. You literally think about this 24/7, like some crazed obsessed person. IT IS OK! You are allowed to feel all the things you feel. You are allowed to push whoever you need to away. When you have a burning fire, instead of letting it spread, you put it out. Some people do not realize that their pregnancy is hurting you and that in order for you to cope and be ok, you have to push them away. You have to take yourself out of the picture and PUT THE FIRE OUT! And it is ok for you to do that!
Those closest to you will understand. They will understand why. They will respect your space and let you work through your issues and become a better person. Your heart is so heavy with grief. I know how you feel. Mine is too. But we will be better for it. I know exactly how you feel. But others don’t. They don’t understand why this is so hard for you to accept. They don’t understand why you just want them to go away. They don’t understand how waiting for your pee to turn into two pink lines is more sacred than that of a catholic mass. They don’t understand how you hit your knees praying and grasping a pee stick so tight as you wait for it to develop. They don’t understand! They will never understand. And you cannot be angry at them for their ignorance. They will never understand how hard it is to deal with the fact that you have prepared your entire life for a child that will may never come. But, I know EXACTLY how you feel.
A Person With An Angry Heart
I bet that is one thing that you don’t think about often. Fertility. Or that’s one thing you took for granted. But for some, like your loved one, that’s all they think about. Literally, daily, she is planning her “future”, she has everything picked out, names, nursery, health insurance plan, daycare, birthing plans, the only thing missing is a child.
The thing about infertility is that a great deal of people are dealing with it, but it’s hardly talked about. It isn’t blasted all over the pages of a magazine. It isn’t talked about on the radio. A lot of times it is avoided in conversation because people do not know how to handle “that topic”. The truth, it’s a hard pill to swallow, which struggling with infertility you do a lot of… swallowing pills that is. It isn’t an easy topic and it hurts, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Infertility is a lot of things like:
- Heart-breaking- it is worse than any break-up, you could ever imagine. It’s almost like a death really. You must give her the space needed to cope and grieve. I’m sure you are over joyed by your new bundle of joy but leave her be. Extend the invite, but don’t push her to feel pressured to celebrate with you. Because every month that you are closer to seeing your angel, is another month that she mourns the loss of the idea of having one. With every negative pregnancy test comes the rush of emotions and a river of tears as she throws another test and another period of her life in the trash.
- Timely- it takes up so much time believe it or not. Infertility causes you to anxiously time everything. Timing to make sure you take your medicine at the exact time every day. Timing when to take the next test. Timing your ovulation. Timing and planning your intimacy dates with your significant other. Timing how long to lay on your back with your legs in the air hoping the universe will work with you for just this once.
- Lonely- Even when she is in a crowded room, she still feels so alone. She feels that they can’t discuss her issues because it does nothing but make her sad, nonrelatable, and angry. It tears apart marriages, friendships, families because she feels like the ones who are supposed to be the closest to her, the ones who are supposed to be there for her don’t get exactly how she feels. They have never been in her shoes. They can’t relate to her feelings.
- Emotional- I use this term because it covers such a large spectrum; Anger, bitterness, hate, jealousy, sadness. There comes screaming fits, throwing items, cursing, yelling, crying, punching, self-harm. There is just so much raw emotion. Partly because she is jacked up on hormones, partly because she is so sick and tired of not knowing why she can’t finally get her two stupid pink lines, and partly because she is so fed up with being broken and feeling like she isn’t woman enough to be able to perform the one thing God intended her to do and that is to give her husband children.
- Devastating- It’s devastating because every month, it’s a slap to the face. Every appointment is filled with misery and dread. Every pregnancy announcement is filled with false joy, endless jealousy, anger, and rage. Every trip to the store is filled with humiliation, because those pharmacists and cashiers see you in there every month purchasing tests, kits, lube, etc. and for what? Just to repeat the cycle next month.
- Religious- praying the entire time she is being intimate, that maybe this will be the time. Praying daily multiple times a day for strength to accept His plan. Screaming at God because she is tired of being patient, tired of not knowing, and down right angry and pissed off at God because she can’t understand why she has to be the one being punished and what has she done to make God hate her so damn much that the ONE thing she wants in this world, the ONE thing she desires is being kept arm’s length away from her and causing her to self-destruct and taking everyone in her life down with her because they don’t understand why she is falling apart.
- Destructive- Infertility tears apart the best of friends, the tightest knit families, and the happiest of married couples. She doesn’t mean to be so dry, or hateful, she is just hurt, and she feels like no one understands her, which brings me back to lonely, because people deal with things differently. While she is crying her eyes out in the bathtub or to sleep, he has no idea because he handles it differently than she does. They are tired of talking because it gets them nowhere. It’s the same thing every time and she feels at fault, because nothing he says makes her feel any better. So, she pushes him away and then complains she feels alone. Because the one person who is there for her, doesn’t handle it the same way she does. So, she says mean things and throws up her walls because she is already devastated and can’t take any more pain. She walks around with RBF hoping no one can see through her façade, because she must be strong.
- Repetitive- she is constantly repeating herself and feels like she should just wear a sign on her head with all the answers. NO, she is NOT considering adoption because she wants more than anything to have her own! She knows that there are tons of children in foster care and wanting homes, but adoption comes with a huge price tag and not knowing what she is getting with it. One day she may revisit that option, but for now, she doesn’t want to adventure down that path, because she keeps praying that maybe one more round of whatever hormone she is on now, will work. YES, she has talked to her doctor, in fact she considers them best friends. She talks to her doctor more than she does her own husband these days. YES, they have discussed procedures, but once again, are you going to give them the money to pay for it? YES, she knows its God’s timing, but sometimes you are just tired of waiting and she wants her family NOW! YES, she has been married for a while now, kids haven’t happened because she has problems. She knows, you are sorry, you didn’t know….
- Hateful- Infertility creates the most hateful people. She hates your baby announcement, she hates how cute your pictures are, she hates your shower. She hates how happy you are. She hates how excited and joyous you are. She hates you. But more importantly, she hates herself. She hates that she feels the way she does. She hates that she hates you and all that has to do with you. She hates that she feels the way she does, she hates that she can’t be happy. She hates that this is who she has become because after 2 years of hardcore trying and numerous years of unprotected relations, she still isn’t pregnant. She feels like The Grinch That Stole Christmas because she is so miserable being so bitter and angry. She hates herself because this is what she has turned into.
I write this so that you could have a glimpse and see, she doesn’t act this way just to be a mean person. She tries everyday to have better control over how she feels. I know that you are hurt and angry at her, but so is she. She just wants some space and to figure out how to be a better version of herself and work through her problems. If that means she is pulling away, let her go. She will come back a better person, I promise. Don’t give her sympathy, give her empathy. They are two TOTALLY different things. I promise. She loves you. She just doesn’t know how to love herself or the situation.
Your Loved One With Infertility