Dear Person With A Loved One Who Deals With Infertility,

I bet that is one thing that you don’t think about often. Fertility. Or that’s one thing you took for granted. But for some, like your loved one, that’s all they think about. Literally, daily, she is planning her “future”, she has everything picked out, names, nursery, health insurance plan, daycare, birthing plans, the only thing missing is a child.

The thing about infertility is that a great deal of people are dealing with it, but it’s hardly talked about. It isn’t blasted all over the pages of a magazine. It isn’t talked about on the radio. A lot of times it is avoided in conversation because people do not know how to handle “that topic”. The truth, it’s a hard pill to swallow, which struggling with infertility you do a lot of… swallowing pills that is. It isn’t an easy topic and it hurts, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Infertility is a lot of things like:

  • Heart-breaking- it is worse than any break-up, you could ever imagine. It’s almost like a death really. You must give her the space needed to cope and grieve. I’m sure you are over joyed by your new bundle of joy but leave her be. Extend the invite, but don’t push her to feel pressured to celebrate with you. Because every month that you are closer to seeing your angel, is another month that she mourns the loss of the idea of having one. With every negative pregnancy test comes the rush of emotions and a river of tears as she throws another test and another period of her life in the trash.
  • Timely- it takes up so much time believe it or not. Infertility causes you to anxiously time everything. Timing to make sure you take your medicine at the exact time every day. Timing when to take the next test. Timing your ovulation. Timing and planning your intimacy dates with your significant other. Timing how long to lay on your back with your legs in the air hoping the universe will work with you for just this once.
  • Lonely- Even when she is in a crowded room, she still feels so alone. She feels that they can’t discuss her issues because it does nothing but make her sad, nonrelatable, and angry. It tears apart marriages, friendships, families because she feels like the ones who are supposed to be the closest to her, the ones who are supposed to be there for her don’t get exactly how she feels. They have never been in her shoes. They can’t relate to her feelings.
  • Emotional- I use this term because it covers such a large spectrum; Anger, bitterness, hate, jealousy, sadness. There comes screaming fits, throwing items, cursing, yelling, crying, punching, self-harm. There is just so much raw emotion. Partly because she is jacked up on hormones, partly because she is so sick and tired of not knowing why she can’t finally get her two stupid pink lines, and partly because she is so fed up with being broken and feeling like she isn’t woman enough to be able to perform the one thing God intended her to do and that is to give her husband children.
  • Devastating- It’s devastating because every month, it’s a slap to the face. Every appointment is filled with misery and dread. Every pregnancy announcement is filled with false joy, endless jealousy, anger, and rage. Every trip to the store is filled with humiliation, because those pharmacists and cashiers see you in there every month purchasing tests, kits, lube, etc. and for what? Just to repeat the cycle next month.
  • Religious- praying the entire time she is being intimate, that maybe this will be the time. Praying daily multiple times a day for strength to accept His plan. Screaming at God because she is tired of being patient, tired of not knowing, and down right angry and pissed off at God because she can’t understand why she has to be the one being punished and what has she done to make God hate her so damn much that the ONE thing she wants in this world, the ONE thing she desires is being kept arm’s length away from her and causing her to self-destruct and taking everyone in her life down with her because they don’t understand why she is falling apart.
  • Destructive- Infertility tears apart the best of friends, the tightest knit families, and the happiest of married couples. She doesn’t mean to be so dry, or hateful, she is just hurt, and she feels like no one understands her, which brings me back to lonely, because people deal with things differently. While she is crying her eyes out in the bathtub or to sleep, he has no idea because he handles it differently than she does. They are tired of talking because it gets them nowhere. It’s the same thing every time and she feels at fault, because nothing he says makes her feel any better. So, she pushes him away and then complains she feels alone. Because the one person who is there for her, doesn’t handle it the same way she does. So, she says mean things and throws up her walls because she is already devastated and can’t take any more pain. She walks around with RBF hoping no one can see through her façade, because she must be strong.
  • Repetitive- she is constantly repeating herself and feels like she should just wear a sign on her head with all the answers. NO, she is NOT considering adoption because she wants more than anything to have her own! She knows that there are tons of children in foster care and wanting homes, but adoption comes with a huge price tag and not knowing what she is getting with it. One day she may revisit that option, but for now, she doesn’t want to adventure down that path, because she keeps praying that maybe one more round of whatever hormone she is on now, will work. YES, she has talked to her doctor, in fact she considers them best friends. She talks to her doctor more than she does her own husband these days. YES, they have discussed procedures, but once again, are you going to give them the money to pay for it? YES, she knows its God’s timing, but sometimes you are just tired of waiting and she wants her family NOW! YES, she has been married for a while now, kids haven’t happened because she has problems. She knows, you are sorry, you didn’t know….
  • Hateful- Infertility creates the most hateful people. She hates your baby announcement, she hates how cute your pictures are, she hates your shower. She hates how happy you are. She hates how excited and joyous you are. She hates you. But more importantly, she hates herself. She hates that she feels the way she does. She hates that she hates you and all that has to do with you. She hates that she feels the way she does, she hates that she can’t be happy. She hates that this is who she has become because after 2 years of hardcore trying and numerous years of unprotected relations, she still isn’t pregnant. She feels like The Grinch That Stole Christmas because she is so miserable being so bitter and angry. She hates herself because this is what she has turned into.

I write this so that you could have a glimpse and see, she doesn’t act this way just to be a mean person. She tries everyday to have better control over how she feels. I know that you are hurt and angry at her, but so is she. She just wants some space and to figure out how to be a better version of herself and work through her problems. If that means she is pulling away, let her go. She will come back a better person, I promise. Don’t give her sympathy, give her empathy. They are two TOTALLY different things. I promise. She loves you. She just doesn’t know how to love herself or the situation.

 

Love,

Your Loved One With Infertility

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